All I can tell you is that I was super careful with Jonah...no sugar, dairy, egg, p'butter, etc. per the AAP recommendations. I was so good. And then, he hit 2 and was pulling and chewing stranger's gum from the bottom of the restaurant tables and sneaking sips of root beer and I realized that it didn't kill him....I was dealing with my cranky Evan, putting out the fire in front of me, not the one behind my back, and I've just been more relaxed about it since. Chris calls it second-child abuse. And, it's gotten even more lax with Leo.

HOWEVER, these are my choices NOT my IL's or my folks. And, yes, often I feel guilty about the fact that Leo has had birthday cake before his 1st birthday, and that he eats Eggo waffles (not the sugar-free, made-from-scratch that I used to make for Jonah), and that he gets to drink diluted juice. There are still boundaries and things that I can't abide like last week when my MIL stuck her finger in diet Sprite before putting it in Leo's mouth to calm him, I came fu*king unglued.

The whole concept of limiting sugar and being vegetarian is foreign...like from a distant galaxy, to them. These are the quintiscential meat & potatoes folk: hashbrowns, bacon, sausage for breakfast, hamburgers and fries for lunch and pork ribs with whipped potatoes for dinner, all served with sweet tea or a big glass of Pepsi. I try to make smarter choices for all the boys. They need this for the now and the future.

I have so much to beat myself up for as a parent--I yell too much, I threaten too much, I let my kids watch way too much television. And the thing I hate most of all is that I use spankings to discipline. As a parent, all the things I would measure myself on, I am a failure...and everyday I wake up and promise myself to do better. And I continue to fail.

But, I love my children and I make sure that they know, above all, that I love them, unconditionally. Every night I sing them to sleep to "You Are My Sunshine" as I rub their hair. Parenting is far harder than I ever expected it to be, and I just want them to be happy, smart, loving, respectful boys. I think I'm at least accomlishing a little of that.

Today is mom's birthday. We're going to their club for dinner tonight, and then afterward, Chris should be home. I bought her a cute little gift, not that I remember what it is, but I remember thinking, "Oh she'll like this." It's pitiful that I did this about 4 hours ago, and the memory of it is lost in the ether.

I really need to sleep tonight; thank God I'm still annoyed with Chris. I can sleep without the welcome home sex.

I am tired. I am so tired. I don't know why I'm not sleeping these days. I can barely keep my eyes opened through the day, and then I'm up until 2 am at bedtime. Chris is coming home tomorrow and I can't wait. Although, I am a little annoyed by our end-of-day conversation... something about some woman trying to pick him up. I still haven't figured out why he led me down the path he did, and then left me hanging with this feeling like it was circumstance and not me (or our marriage) that had him walking away. Prick.

I'm going to watch Conan now and maybe get a few hours of shut eye.