I wish that Chris wasn't going to be gone to Washington, DC for the next year. It's been hard to have him gone, and it's hard to imagine that he's going to be gone even longer. Hopefully we'll catch a break here soon and that at least some of the deal will get paid now. A little help with the kids and the house would lighten my load. It wont replace having Chris here, but it would help with what has to get done here.

"...A hoe was a hoe;
A coke was a coke;
Cracks what you were doing,
when you were cracking jokes.

A screw was a screw;
The wind was all that blew;
And when you said "I'm down with that",
Well it meant you had the flu..."

I am currently loving the new Tim McGraw CD. I would love to go back to those days Back When too. Somehow it was all so much easier in my imagination of life when I grew up. I'd have a handsome husband (done), we'd have a great family (done), we'd be more than comfortably wealthy (undone). Finally, I'd be vibrant, thin, beautiful, intellectual and have a great handle on the house, the kids and current events (pipedream).

I'm getting ready to go color the gray out of my hair, so much for the ideal adult world of my youth. I can promise you that no where in my perfect future were gray hair, stretch marks, boobs that sagged to my waist, wrinkles, and crying jags about what a shit mother I am.

My kids never cried, talked back, hit other kids, wrote on the walls with Sharpie marker, or woke up in the middle of the night. My friends were all in my corner and we were all each others cheerleaders and strength. My husband made shitloads of money, working 9-5, and was always home to the perfect gourmet, vegetarian dinner that I prepared. My little utopia. Maybe I'll dream of it tonight.

So, I guess that it's now up to every 6 months that I get to drop everything and take a few minutes to write, vent and regroup. It's been a very fast 6 months, I have to admit. I don't know how I am saying that since every day seems like an eternity. With every day seeming that long, I'd expect that the time would have dragged...but it doesn't on the whole. I have had so much happen since March.

First, of course, Leo arrived. He's a perfect little guy with all of his Daddy's blue eyes, blonde hair and incessant need to be toted and doted. I don't know how I got a third that expects to be carted around like the princely first, but I did. He's a really good boy, though. I just hope that he develops a stronger sense of independence...or I'll be buying his way out of high school.

Jonah has been doing much, much better in all areas. He's matured and not so aggressive these days. I worry about him as I don't think he's terribly social...a little too wierd for other kids. I hope to see that he develops some good friendships in the next few months. His teacher says that all the other kids love him. I see a lot of Chris in him. Jonah loves to be the center of attention, but he doesn't really let other kids in. And, they don't seem to want to play with him one-on-one.

Evan is a fucking handful. Don't get me wrong. That kid has more strength of will in his little finger than everyone else in this house combined. He's amazing--and so smart. I knew that he was the one that I would have to watch out for, and that's proving to be an accurate, and frightening premonition. He's headstrong, mouthy, cute, bossy and has a frigging intellect that will do him well if he can harness it.

I'm not in the best space right now; I'm having a tough time with finding my place in the world. I know that sounds wierd, but I am having a time of it with my group of friends. I just feel like I'm stagnating in this little pool of gossip and nitpicking. I don't know if I'm communicating this right, but I just dont want to be tied to these folks. Not that I want to forget them or stop talking to them entirely, but there's not much new to say, and I am tired of the same old conversations (whose kid is signed up for what sport, where to have lunch, what kind of annoying thing did your kids do this morning, what are you getting for Chanukkah, what kind of car is your husband getting when his lease is up). It's all about money, how much you have and how to flaunt it.

With Chris travelling like he does, I just have been relying more heavily on my friends for adult conversation, and it just isn't happening, and I find myself less and less fulfilled.